Blue has always been my favorite color. Everybody knows the
color blue, right? Not really.
If
someone were visually impaired or blind since birth, they may have no clue what
color is at all, never mind the actual color of blue. And, for all we know,
what one person sees as blue could be another person’s red. When we
learned our colors from our parents and teachers, they pointed to a color and
said "this is blue." Whatever color you saw at the area they
pointed to is now known to you as "blue." Maybe, what I see as
yellow you call blue. Perhaps our brains don't interpret these color
impulses the same and you have a totally different color-scape than I do with
colors I wouldn’t even recognize.
I suppose there is no way to know for sure without being able to sync our brains perceptions and see through another's
eyes. And that's not something we will likely be able to do any time
soon.
But, what if we just try to describe it. The color blue. To describe a color without
using color as a point of reference is impossible. "It's blue, like
the sky!" Well, if you can't see the sky, that description would not
be at all helpful.
Trying to explain something to someone
requires a common point of reference to base your explanation on. Without
that, we cannot communicate a thought, idea or situation. Can a color be
described to someone who cannot see, an aroma to someone who cannot smell or a sound to someone who cannot hear?
Which (finally!) brings me to my point.
There is no way to explain what having a brain injury is like to someone
who does not have a brain injury. The only people who truly
understand are the ones who live with it themselves. The “insiders”.
As hard as our friends, family and
significant others try, they will never truly be able to understand. To
them, it is something that happens at certain events or places or while trying
to do something in particular. To us, it never goes away. We take it with us wherever we go.
We don't forget it because it is part of us. It is a reality
that we become 'accustomed' to or learn to accept.
This is not a pity party. For me, it
is a brain injury; for someone else, it is being a quadriplegic, someone else,
losing a child -- everyone has, as they say, a torch to bear. As much as we want to
empathize and understand what others are going through, we have to accept the
limitations of our abilities to do so.
I believe accepting the fact that people can not completely understand is critical for true acceptance of our situation,
whatever that may be. For me, it is time to stop trying to
explain . Time to let go of the frustration that arises by the repeated
unsuccessful attempts to explain why I behave the way I do, why I need certain
modifications to my environment and why I react the way I do.
This realization is very new to me. I am sharing it for others in the same or
similar situation because I truly believe this is a key element to full healing… not worrying so much about others understanding. Somehow, this realization is quite liberating
for me. Would I keep trying, unsuccessfully, to describe the color blue to a blind
person? Of course not.
I write this because I know I am not alone here. I feel
sorry that my limitations can be an imposition to those around me; for example, I cannot have a conversation if there is loud music or noise in
the environment. Others may forget this but one thing remains constant.
I can NOT have a conversation when there is loud music or noise in the
environment. I don't have to remember that this is the case, it is just
the case. It is as likely for me to be able to have that conversation as
it would be for a person to jump off a skyscraper and fly to the ground.
So now, after 17 years of this being my
reality, and after 17 years of trying to get those around me to understand (so
I don’t feel like such a burden to them) I am going to accept the
fact that it is impossible for brain injury "outsiders" to truly
understand. I cannot continue to rely on others to recognize environments
or identify situations which are painfully difficult. That is something I am just going to have to
take full responsibility of for myself.
For so long I have believed others may
understand… maybe partly because I have been told so often 'I get it', 'I see it', 'I understand."
How can I expect someone to truly understand without any point of
personal reference to base their understanding on?
It is like trying to describe the
color blue to someone. It just can't be done.
I have liberated myself. I
hope I have helped to liberate at least one other in the process.
