We are all born. Most go on from there to live life. We laugh,
cry, love, despair, learn, explore, succeed, fail and go on to experience life
in our own unique way. What is not
unique, is that we all have a beginning and an end. We are all born. And we all
die.
The subject of dying is not
something most people want to talk about. It's in the back of our mind and we
know we will die someday but we usually don't spend too much time pondering
how and when it will happen. Death will be different for everyone. And no one
can really tell you what it was like, not really. Not if they were pronounced
dead and stayed that way.
Yes, this is an uncomfortable
subject. But I'm bringing it up and putting it here because I was told one year
ago told my time has come.. "You have some time. Maybe two to four
years." You never really know how you will feel when you find out you have
a terminal illness. Until you do.
After surgery, radiation and
medications to fight breast cancer, it appears my annual examination revealed
it had metastasized into the nodes between my lungs. Not a good thing. So what
is it like when someone tells you your life will soon come to an end? Let me
tell you what it's like, since now I know.
What struck me the most? It became
very clear what is truly important to me. I mean what's REALLY
important. It's not that I never lost the weight I wanted to lose. Or that
I haven't seen Machu Pichu yet. Or that I never did meet my soul mate.
The most important thing to me
is my 35-year-old daughter and her 6-year-old son. All of a sudden I realized I will only have a short glimpse into their future. The prospect of only seeing
my grandson grow to be eight or ten years old was so difficult to accept. What
is he going to be when he grows up? Is he going to stay as sweet and
compassionate as he is now? Will my daughter have a full and happy life with
love around her? Who is going to comfort her when life's certain crises arise?
Will there be more babies for her? The questions in my mind were endless.
My primary emotional pain was
related to what I would miss after passing..Until I realized something else.
This would be the first major loss and emotional crisis for my grandson. I was
going to be the cause of great emotional pain to him. This was painful to think
about. My mission at that point became preparing him for this loss and trying
to prepare him for it by minimizing it as best as I could.
I know my relationship with him
is very special; he was born three months early on my own mother's birthday. Due
to that, I always have felt that a piece of her is within him. I am so
fortunate to have this little boy in my life who gives me so much love,
appreciation and wonder. My life did not include a romantic soul mate but the
incredible connection I feel with him more than makes up for this. Maybe
he intuitively felt something was wrong or perhaps he overheard other people
talking about it. Whatever the case, one day he came to me and said
"Grandma, I don't want you to die."
This was my opportunity to
begin to ease his inevitable loss. I said "Honey, everyone will die
someday. But I promise I will do everything I can to be here as long as I can. And
after that, my love will be connected to your heart and you can take it with
you wherever you go."
We have talked and talked about
this through the months. I often ask him if he felt my love tugging on his
heart while we were separated. Usually he says he felt it, sometimes not, but I
am able to tell him my love was tugging whether he felt it or not. This has
been a wonderful tool to remind him I am always there and always will be. It
really does seem to comfort him.
Seven months after being told
my prognosis, I prepared for surgery to biopsy one of the affected nodes just
to be sure. Two previous attempts through the esophagus and the trachea had
been unsuccessful. It's amazing how time-consuming it is to maneuver through
insurance authorizations, consultations, and scheduling of
appointments/surgeries actually takes. Seven months. Wow.
Since it had been so long, they
agreed to perform another scan to visualize the affected nodes and have a good
plan of action to enter my chest surgically at the least invasive spot. Many
people had been praying for me and I was doing everything I could holistically
to fight this cancer. Whatever the cause, miraculously there were no nodes
found on the scan. We repeated it once more. Gone... no malignant nodes.
So now I know how I will feel
when I am told I am dying. And maybe I'll get to see my grandson graduate high
school. It's also nice to have my funeral arrangements made and prepaid. So it
turns out it was quite a productive experience.
How lucky I feel to have had
this lesson to teach me what is truly important. I don't know how much time I
have to instill in those I love how important they are to me, especially my
little precious grandson. But I know that I will pay attention much more
closely to making sure I have done the best I can to prepare them all for that
time. And I will not forget to cherish each and every moment I have with them.
Oh, yeah. And I get to see Machu Pichu in two months! :)
