Somehow this whole ordeal is bringing thoughts and memories of all kinds into my head. I'm writing them here because it is cleansing to me somehow. Once I get it out, new things can bubble up to the top. And, after all, no one has to read this if they don't want to.
When I received my brain tumor diagnosis 16 years ago, there was a distinct advantage, however strange that may sound. That advantage was that I had a large mass in the frontal lobe of my brain which, in retrospect, seemed to have the effect of causing difficulty actually understanding the implications of what was happening. It was quite a long time before I actually felt 'reconnected' to the world in the same way. I'm not sure I really ever have connected in the same way - maybe I have just become accustomed to feeling the way I do now.
Why I keep thinking back to that time in my life with the arrival of my breast cancer diagnosis is a mystery to me. Maybe it brings me comfort knowing I have come a long way since then and I am telling myself I can do the same thing now. I'm not really sure. What I do know is that I've been thinking about flying snakes an awful lot lately.
No, that wasn't a typo. Flying snakes. Really. Let me explain.
My mother was alive when I underwent my brain surgery (easy part) and subsequent recovery (hard part). I'm not sure what I would have done without her, but that's another story.
It was a Saturday morning, May 1, 1999. My husband (now an ex) and I were taking my parents and his mother to the Cayman Islands the following day for a one-week vacation. His mother was actually on a plane enroute to Florida from New York so we were busy packing and preparing for our trip.
That morning I woke up and wandered out to the kitchen. My husband was at work and I gave him a call. When he answered the phone, 'gobbly-gook' just came out of me. He said "Whhhaaahhht???" and I again said some gobbly-gook. Totally unintelligible. We laughed as it sounded so silly and he said to go make a pot of coffee and call him back when I woke up. Such the obedient wife (lol) I did exactly that. As I was pouring water into the old-fashioned drip coffee maker, I noticed the right side of my face felt like it was sliding off like melting wax. It was so odd a feeling, that I turned to go look into a mirror in the hallway to see what it looked like. At that moment, I realized I could not swallow.
This is definitely one day that I am thankful to have had nursing training. I knew at that moment I was having a stroke. I went to call my husband but my fingers wouldn't hit the right keys - I would try to push the 9 and it would push a different number, for example. It started to feel as though there was a bottomless pit and i was being sucked into it. It was as though a wind was trying to push me down into it and I was hanging on to a tiny ledge at a circle at the top, my only connection to the world. I needed to call 911. This is where my nursing training came in handy. Maybe someone reading this will think of it someday if they find themselves in the same position. Instead of using my dominant right hand, I switched hands and used my left hand to push the numbers. That side worked fine. The brain is so powerful and I have gained so much respect for this amazing organ over the last 16 years.
What I didn't remember was which side controlled speech so when the 911 operator picked up the phone, I tried to say 'I'm having a stroke!' but again I spoke in that now-familiar gobbly-gook. Wow! That's why I talked to my husband that way and we both thought I was just groggy! The power of our brain really became more evident to me in that moment than it ever had been before. The operator was dispatching EMS to me and asking me questions. I couldn't speak clearly, but you would think you could at least make a sound that resembled a yes, no, uh-huh, something! Not possible... Just sloppy bleeaah bleeah bleeah (aka gobbly-gook)
What does this have to do with flying snakes you ask? Ok, let me explain. I was taken to a local hospital and admitted to ICU. Arriving in ICU, I still had no idea what was happening or why I had the stroke. The neurologist who was on call that day, thankfully, came in and told me about the diagnosis. Ok, ok, the snakes.
My mother was the first to arrive at the ICU. At this point, my speech had returned somewhat and she said "What HAPPENED??" I told her. I had a brain tumor. She said, "No, really. Why are you in here????" I told her, really, I have a brain tumor. I couldn't get her to believe me for several minutes. You see, my mother had this strange saying. When we were sick or complaining about some ailment she would jokingly say, "Oh, come on... it's not like you have a brain tumor!" But this time she couldn't say that. It was a brain tumor. I could see she was thinking the same thing as me when I looked into her face. Oh no... what could be worse than THIS???? One of us asked that question out loud. I can't remember who. We thought for a few minutes and then realized there was something that could be worse. It could have been my daughter.
From then on, and to this very day, I like to imagine that my daughter had been diagnosed with a brain tumor and that an angel had come to me and said she would give it to me instead if I wished. POOF!!! Wish granted.
For me, whenever something bad happens, I always try to think of something that could be so much worse. Then all I have to do is be glad that that didn't happen.
Now (here they come) I absolutely hate spiders and snakes. Not much we can do about them. But close your eyes and imagine we lived in a place where snakes curled up around tree branches and hid in roof gutters or on top of high cars and buildings. Now imagine they could actually fly! Fast, too, so they would shock you when they suddenly wrapped around you and started snapping at you. Oh my god, I would hate that.
So, when all else fails and it seems like the worst thing that could happen has finally happened, and you don't even want to imagine your own child or grandchild sick or hurt, think of the flying snakes. After all, if there were such a thing you surely would wish there was not.
POOF!!! Wish granted.
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