As with every new journey, you begin to see things you never saw before. As a brain tumor survivor, I used to feel like pink ribbons were EVERYWHERE! Every pharmacy, department store, TV station... you may not know that gray ribbons are symbolic for brain tumors but ask someone what a pink ribbon is for and most people can tell you. I think I'll make my own ribbon with both pink and gray... maybe people will ask what it means and I can spread the word about the gray part.
In addition to seeing things we've never seen before as we begin a new journey, we also use our past experiences as a gauge to help us interpret these new experiences. By having that 'gray ribbon' component as a past experience, my life has actually become easier. Even regarding my impending partial mastectomy, having already had brain surgery feels like having a tooth cleaning after a root canal. Please understand I'm not minimizing the difficulty this presents to me or others, just that I feel I have an advantage in handling my emotions and fears.
Still, my brain protects me by putting me into a state of 'numbness', a feeling which is very familiar to me. I think it is a form of emotional shock. A way our minds protect us when there is too much to bear. A coping mechanism, much appreciated. (no, I'm not taking any medications, I'm lucky enough to be able to do this on my own, no alcohol or drugs!)
Many years ago, a friend of mine came up to me said she had a pastor who had just had brain surgery for a tumor around the same time as me. She arranged for us to meet thinking it would be helpful for us to talk and share our experiences.
He was a very nice man and many of our experiences had been similar. One striking difference was that what I think of as my mind protecting me by 'numbing' the experience, this pastor described differently. He felt that Jesus had come and held him in his arms so he would be protected and safe.
Being Buddhist and believing the mind is the way to our inner 'spirit (energy)' or true self, I suppose both of us are right from our own individual perspective.
During my most recent mindfulness class series, I found I didn't have enough time to meditate each day so I tried something new. I tried being mindful of each and every moment. Feeling the support of the earth under my feet, warm water in the dishpan, the water against my back in the shower. At first, I could do it for 15 to 20 minutes, then half an hour... with the introduction of this new crisis, I actually am finding it easier to stay mindful most of the day. What a nice surprise that is! My mind is enjoying just enjoying the moment. I was even able to carry that mindfulness through the entire MRI of my brain yesterday, mindfully experiencing each click, bump and thump.
Funny how we get what we need. The last class of the mindfulness series will end the same day as my surgery. The full-day silent retreat was my last day of participation and it couldn't have been timed better - the first Sunday after my diagnosis. There's some luck for you. See? I do have some.
“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.” - Buddha
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